Last week was an interesting week that started off on a high note and actually ended on a high note, but had a minor bump in the road.,
I finally got to start at my dream job with LatinoJustice as their Coordinator of Communications and Digital Strategy, aka social media and movement strategist. I absolutely love it there and I can’t believe I get to do what I do. That was the “high” part of my week. Now for the “low.”
I received my bar results and failed the New York State Bar Exam for the second time. I found out early on Tuesday morning, but this time, I wasn’t devastated like I was the first time. I woke up early to find a text by one of my friends and bar study buddy stating that the bar results were out. I downloaded my emails for the day on my phone and there it was. All I could think was “Dear God, please, please, please, please, please let me pass. I don’t want to take this again, please, please, please, please let this be a good email.” So I opened it up, start reading and then get to this familiar part:
Next thought in my mind was “Shit! It’s so early and now I can’t go back to sleep and I am definitely not working out today!” Then I laid there in a daze thinking about what this meant. I didn’t have to think too long because I already had a plan to take it again in February. I don’t want to take in July because I actually want to enjoy my summer and if I did take it in July, I’d have to start studying now. That’s not going to happen. I leaned over and hugged the hubs really tight as he slept. It was too early to wake him up and I wanted him to rest. A moment of frustration set in but I didn’t want to cry because there was nothing to cry about. Instead, I decided to get up and take a shower. I figured if I had to cry, the shower would be the best place to do it so that I wouldn’t wake the hubs up and so I could confuse the shower water for my tears. I hate feeling this way but I also didn’t want to hold it in.
I thought about what it meant to me this time around. I felt crushed the first time and hated myself for feeling like a failure. I remembered how I curled up in a fetal position on our living room floor crying like a crazy person because of the results. I told myself that I wouldn’t feel that way again. This time around, I didn’t have those feelings of failure but I was definitely disappointed and supremely annoyed at the idea that I would be taking this stupid bar exam yet again. I knew that these feelings of embarrassment were my own that I was imposing on myself and that it really didn’t matter because I get to do what I love either way. It’s more of a formality now and a way for me to close out my degree.
The only time I cried is when I told the hubs, but that’s only because he has a way of making me cry when he comforts me. I didn’t cry when I told my parents or my in-laws, although it took a lot for me to hold it in when I told my parents. I don’t like to let them down, but they are so assuring and so calming that it made it easier.
I was a bit off for most of the day on Tuesday, but I was able to push through the day and not think about it. By Wednesday morning, I had completely forgot about the results and went about my week like nothing had happened. I was able to do so because I was too busy at work, loving every moment of it.
So, it is what it is, I didn’t pass the second time but like my dad said, “third times the charm!” I am not dwelling on where I am not at in my life but where I AM in my life and how far I’ve come. Most importantly, I’m happy.
Have a great week!